The Magic of The Talking Stick
From board rooms to living rooms, people unleash opposing ideas leaving many opportunities for interpersonal conflict. Interpersonal conflict can be a driving force for positive change. When “done right”, conflict can be a great source for high quality decision-making and learning. When “done wrong”, conflict can generate misunderstandings that erode personal relationships. How can we increase the odds of “doing conflict” the “right way”?
Throughout my career, I’ve had to dissect, mitigate and resolve hundreds of conflicts between people. People bring all kinds of baggage to interpersonal conflict including hidden agendas, assumptions, cynicism, biases and defense mechanisms. Even the most skilled communicator can’t overcome these obstacles at times. In practice, our communication is only as effective as the listening skills of our audience. Who among us hasn’t been misunderstood, tempted to throw in the flag for argument’s sake or to save face in an effort to preserve a friendship? How many times have we thought to ourselves, “If only the only the other person actually heard us, they would realize we actually share more in common than our differences”. In order for conflict to be “done right”, there needs to be a mutual understanding of the “ground rules”. To foster an environment where civil discourse can transpire, Native American tribes use a powerful tool- a magic stick referred to as “The Talking Stick”. Imagine if we all can harness the power of a “magic” stick to bring out the best that interpersonal conflict has to offer?
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Imagine the power you give someone when you hand them a “stick” (or a conch shell, feather or pencil) and tell them that they can make their point, uninterrupted and without exposure to negative verbal and nonverbal feedback. The listener is only allowed to ask non-judgmental questions to clarify the point being conveyed by the person holding the stick. Once the listener demonstrates that they understand the message being conveyed, the stick is passed to them and in turn, they are able to be heard. This framework for communication had been long advocated for by leadership guru Stephen Covey because it transforms defensive negative energy into positive energy. It may not lead to consensus or change minds, but at a minimum, it advances a heightened understanding of another’s perspective.
The next time you need to settle a dispute with your spouse or kids, or have a desire to discuss politics and religion among friends, consider introducing The Talking Stick to the dynamic. Even Senator Susan Collins of Maine introduced her Ceremonial Native American Talking Stick recently during congressional discussions to end the government shutdown. The degree to which The Talking Stick helped overcome the Congressional impasse is not known but it did give rise to a cautionary tale. One Congressman allegedly tossed the stick across the room and chipped a decorative glass elephant. Subsequently, they replaced the stick with a ball to optimize safety and prevent damage. Perhaps, it is ideal not to have a stick at all, but rather a “proverbial imaginary stick”, consisting of mutual respect, sincere intellectual curiosity about another perspective and empathy for all of those involved. Perhaps, therein lies the true magic and secret to doing conflict “the right way”.
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